Self Doubt = BAD!

I guess I have been thinking to much lately and have found peace and enjoyment in blogging, hence the reason I have had 4 posts in the last week or so. lol

I've learned that Self doubt = Bad.

I’m only human, so self doubt has been creeping in my mind for the last couple of days. Which makes my song choice from Bruno Mars “You’re Amazing Just the Way You Are”, make sense now.

OK, again, this blog is a view into my thought process, so if you’re scared about said thought process, STOP HERE and move on to the next post. *grin*

Well now, what reasons do I have to self doubt? Hmmm… EVERYTHING!? Alright, not everything, I do know that I am a daughter of God and that He loves me, which by the way, the knowledge of keeps me sane. The following thinking initially started with negative feelings, but as I pondered on them, I started feeling peace. I know that the Lord is the one who allowed for me to turn this thinking into a positive thing. It is the faith I have in the Atonement of Jesus Christ that has filled the gap of my personal self doubt and has given me positive feelings and an appreciation for this thinking.

What have I been thinking? You really want to know? Really? OK, here ya go.

Why am I single? I’ve now realized that there are three major factors at play here. My thinking has explored each of these in depth, individually, but I had never put them all together into one thought process until now. These three things do play a role in me “Findin’ My Ore” so I should really gain a better understanding of each of them. Right? Right.

Breakdown, AKA reasons for my single status...

Me. Him. and My Heavenly Father.

So, first is the self doubt I have of myself. Again, don’t read if you don’t want to be in my head. Well if you have decided to read on, here you be. I have self doubt about a lot of different things. Sometimes there is something that I have had confidence in, that all of the sudden becomes something I feel weak in. I just realized that it can be a play on Pride vs. Humility, but I also know that some of these are feelings that are exploited by Satan. I am human. Each day I know that I have to decrease pride and increase humility. It is much easier said than done most days though. I know I need to fight against Satan, not just sit down overwhelmed and cry, yet still, I even let that happen sometimes. Again, I am human.

And because of that human nature, I know that my faith needs to be increased. Well that is for sure something, increase my faith. I can be doing so much more. I can be more trusting of the Lord and Christ. I know that I can be serving and be preparing more than I am. I know that faith is an action word and that my testimony of faith will only be increased by trying it. Yet, I still doubt.

I doubt my physical appearance. I’ve told friends that I like to think that I am single because I am fat, because if it wasn’t that reason, that means, I am single because of my personality! Physical self doubt was way easier to accept than the idea that it was my personality. When I actually told that to my Visiting Teacher, she lovingly told me, “Sarah, fat people get married all the time!” Dang it! She’s right! Then it might be my personality? That’s was a pretty big bite to chew on, but thankfully, in general and on most days, I like me. So self doubt doesn’t come as often. (I guess I am a little to proud sometimes;)

(side note: I also had another friend who challenged me last year by asking me if I really thought I was single because of the way I looked and why I didn’t make the change to become more healthy? That hit me pretty hard too and has been one of the reasons I have turned to re shaping my habits of eating and exercising. One day I want to be active with my family, I want to adventure with them and I couldn’t do that the way I was living, so for the last month, I have revisited my old mantra of No Fried, No Sweet, No Soda and have been exercising every day. It’s simply amazing that eating right and exercising really does work *wink*)

Today though… that uncommon self doubt hit and it hit hard.

I should explain that I think that personality is made up by not only what we say, but what we think, how we act, what we do and what we are willing to learn from situations around us.

Am I learning from my mistakes? I like to think most of the time I am, but truthfully, not always.

Do I try to make changes in the areas that I think are important though? Yes, but maybe not fast enough.

I know that when I want to make changes in places where I see weakness, I take small steps so that I can learn to build and make things habits so I can have success, rather than to rush and have the possibility of failing. Are my steps to small though? Or am I working on the things that don’t matter as much and missing out on changing the bigger problems?

Easy example: I grew up in a house where cleaning was not emphasized as much as it was in some of my friends homes. We by all means did not have a “dirty” house. It’s just that my mom didn’t have a weekly cleaning chart or any organized schedule set up, which means I didn’t build the habit of continually cleaning without being asked to. And as a kid, I totally didn't want to just clean, I wanted to play. So playing I did.

We had the mantra that you clean when it’s dirty, you take the trash out when it’s full, and do dishes when the sink is full. I am almost 29 and am trying to build better cleaning habits now and have been for the last few years. It's really an area that I want to be better in, so I am at least trying. One area of my house that I care about is my kitchen and I try to keep it clean at all times. I LOVE to cook and me no likey to cook in a messy kitchen. So I at least started somewhere *wink* Now just don’t judge me if you ever see my room and see the lack of hanging clothes ability that I may have. haha

Well, my personality really can get in my way. Period. But, I then remember, I AM NOT PERFECT!!! And it’s okay to have flaws because it allows me to continually learn and grow by looking upward to Christ, our Perfect example.

How though do you explain to people that you have weaknesses and hope that they understand you are still learning? Whether it’s your cleaning ability, or lack there of and any of the other personality "flaws" that you might have? Tell me please. (3.25.11, I've realized that I have to be willing and open to viewing people the same way that I want to be seen. I have to be more understanding. notice the period? period.)

Alrighty, that’s enough about my personal self doubt, I could go on here for way longer, but you don't want to delve that far in my head. So now it’s onto the other two major factors.

Again, going in the order that I wrote them, next I will rant about Guys.

On a few occasions I have been asked if I was married/had kids/ or if I was dating anyone. When I have said no, the person asking always seems to be a little surprised. (Which makes me smile to know that I at least exude some nurturing ability.) I have started to respond to their surprise with, “guys are just special”.

Guys special you may ask? Never.

I believe that I might not have met my "ore" yet, but why can't I date someone exclusively while trying to figure out if I'm his ore and he's mine? I've had conversations where these "Special" guys have willingly passed me by as being anything more than just a friend.

I like to see myself as a girl who loves the Lord and who wants to build a family in accordance with His teachings, from wanting to live providently, to having FHE every Monday and family prayer and scripture study every day. As a girl who LOVES the Temple and who wants to always be worthy to be able to go in. A girl who can on occasion be pretty cute and who is a lover of adventures. A girl who is going to be a good wife and a good mother because I will love my family by being a true homemaker. Not only because I love to cook (*wink*), but because I want to care for and truly give of myself to my family. I'm a girl who loves to go to church, for the learning and teaching that goes on there. A girl who is relatively smart, but I know I don’t know everything. I'm a girl who will search out and study subjects that I am interested in and at times may be annoying because I'm always asking questions. I love learning and on occasion can be witty.

Because of these things, I do feel that my answer is valid in most cases. Again, I know I have my flaws, but so do the guys right?

Looking back though, I am thankful for my past because I’ve learned from each of the experiences I had with these guys. They have each helped me to see what I am truly looking for and more importantly what I am not looking for in my future husband, in “My Ore”. I truly want someone who has the same love and attitude toward the Gospel as I do. Which leads me to the last major factor of why I am single.

My Heavenly Father.

He has a plan for me. He is preparing me for that plan. He sees the big picture and He sees the future. He allows me to see the areas where I have weakness with a loving assurance that He will help me if I have faith in His Son.

I have prayed to know why I am single, why the opportunity to be a wife and mother hasn’t come to me yet, and simply put and beautifully delivered to me in these moments was that, there is a reason for it. Which, in itself brings me peace because my Heavenly Father sees the big picture and knows how and when I can be the best Sarah.

Thinking on it… I wouldn’t have been able to be there in some of the capacities of being a sister, daughter, friend, co worker, fellow church member, if I would have had my family already. I want to be able to focus all of my energy on my family and I think the Lord knows that, so He is allowing me to be a tool in His hands while I am single, hopefully helping His other children in whatever way I can.

Some people’s lives I don’t picture anything changing if I had been a wife and a mother when we had met, or had become while we were friends, but others I feel it would have made a HUGE difference. Who knows what influence we had in each others lives, what we were helping each other to become.

I also know that I wouldn’t have been able to learn as much Spiritually over the past 3 years if I would have been married. Going to the Temple every week while up in Utah, wouldn’t have been as much possible if I were married. And I wouldn’t change the experience of that Temple worship for anything. It has helped me to be more prepared for what is coming, not only in my personal life, but an understanding of what is going to be happening in the world.

I wouldn’t have had the beautiful revelation as I read in 1Nephi about the need to prepare for my eternal family, my ship, to be able to cross the great deep to the Promised Land, to Eternal Life. I don’t know if that revelation would have come if I had been married before then. By golly that means this blog wouldn’t exist and all of my thinking here might not have come. Yeah, no, there is for sure a reason I am not married yet. I just need to have the faith to always believe that.

Have FAITH and ALWAYS BELIEVE that!

OK, I am tired now… emotional day with personal revelation right before going to bed always, always equals tired.

Until next time,Ado.

I'm sure though that I will continue to be thinking and who knows I might have another few posts by next week *grin*