Um, I look different.

So this weight loss thing has been an adventure... an adventure for my psyche!!

haha. No really, I never thought I would have to get used to seeing someone different in my reflection. I look different than I did 2 years ago, not just in the size of my body changing either (I've lost 3/4" in height AND 1/2 shoe size. Not expecting that!). My face has changed (I also think aging has done a little to that too) and when I first noticed how different I looked I would stare at myself in the mirror and make faces at myself to validate that it was really me looking back. My cheek bones are more prominent, my eyes are bigger, my lips stand out in relation to their size and the rest of my features. It's weird, but a weird I like. It's a weird that I am seriously still getting used to. People I knew when I was heavy have no clue who I am now... and truthfully I have changed much more than just physically, so it's like a new Sarah exists in the world. (That's perspective for another post). Kinda weird.

I find myself looking at my collar bone, wrists and arms, my legs and feet checking out all the veins, bones, and muscles I could never see before. I can suck in and see rib definition which I honestly can say I have never seen before on myself. It's been really weird to have been in this body and not have known all of this was there.Veins in hands are squishy folks and I can now remember why I always thought playing with my moms hands when I was little was fun, now I can be entertained with my own. haha. I know I'm weird, but I am easily entertained with textures and visual stimulus.

As of today I can officially wear a size 14-16 (I'm somewhere in the 180-190's, I haven't weighed myself in a few months). I think a 14 is the size I wore in 8th grade and at that age I had no clue what I was going to turn into so I didn't know to appreciate what I had. I can cross my legs comfortably now, stand up from sitting on the floor without much movement from where I'm getting up from (prior to weight loss there was a rolling effect that had to happen), I can bend down without having to drop one knee first, I can bend my knees in and warp my arms around them when I'm sitting on the floor. I can reach and scratch all parts of my back when it itches. Who would have thought that that would feel so good?! Psyche has been handling things pretty well. haha.

I haven't yet started to regularly exercise, my weight loss has still all been about food. I'll throw it out there that every Thursday at the Farmer's Market there is a local bakery in the location where it is and I eat a glazed doughnut and sometimes a Mexican cookie too. My eating habits work for me. I eat tons of veggies and fruits with whole grains throughout the week; sometimes I eat meat, but only if I'm out at a restaurant and I'm completely craving it. I cook simply and try to not complicate my meals. Being so busy with school and work I need fast, but I want good and healthy. I really love seeing my fridge full of fresh local produce. It helps me to appreciate God more and all the He has put here on earth for us to use.

I have been starting to commute more and further on my bike so I think the fat will come off more quickly as it turns into muscle. I plan on biking throughout the summer and in the fall I'm taking a health and fitness class at school that will fulfill a gen ed requirement (just like my nutritional biology class at Pima... YAY for learning applicable knowledge and skills with the mandatory classes I have to take to get my degree!). I'm excited to actually take a PE class, that is a first in my life! I am looking forward to learning more about my body and what it can do.

Here is to life continuing to be an adventure, even if the person I am now looking at in the mirror isn't the same person who started this life adventure years ago. Yay for LIVING!

The Bestest Friends a Girl Could Ask For

The last few months have been a weeee bit hard. Hard in the sense of feeling picked on by the adversary, aka Satan, at every turn. I mean EVERY TURN! I feel him tearing down my divine parentage, my divine worth. Whispering and impressing negative thoughts about myself and others on me constantly and relentlessly. I feel him trying to overwhelm me with school and with the horribleness of the way the society is heading with all the bad that's going on (which will all receive their own posts). 

That being said, being kinda depressed (I'm not normally a depressed person, I'm usually pretty optimistic and happy, but the last couple months have been harder to be those things) is where I've been for far too long, thankfully during scripture study tonight (and a sweet inspiration during prayer three nights ago about looking to the light of Christ instead of letting the darkness overtake me) I was blessed to understand a beautiful principle in friendship and how friends can specifically share the light of Christ and be the help us in our hour of need. 

I realized while writing this that I have not done justice in my blog with talking about two of my most favoritest people in the world!! They are two of the most amazing and inspiring women I have been blessed to know and am IMMENSLY GRATEFUL I can call them my friends, my best friends actually. Michelle, aka Mechelle and Silvia, aka Silvs. 

I think the scripture explains how I feel about our friendship and what a light they truly are in my life. Also, please don't think I think I'm Moses material by any means, no sea parting for this gal, but the blessing of true friendship and trust, lifting one another during each other's times of need, is what I'm trying to convey here :) 

Scripture goes like this:

But Moses’ hands were heavy; and they took a stone, and put it under him, and he sat thereon; and Aaron and Hur stayed up his hands, the one on the one side, and the other on the other side; and his hands were steady until the going down of the sun. (Old Testament, Exodus, Exodus 17:12)

That's what these women have been doing for me during this time of "crisis" in my life. They have "stayed my hands", calmed me, braught amazing perspective to life, loved me, and dealt with my expressive crazy quite well. 

I truly am thankful for them both in my life and can't say it enough how TRULY BLESSED I AM FOR HAVING THE BEST FRIENDS A GIRL COULD ASK FOR! 

Eyes Open

Today was the culmination of a lesson The Lord has been trying to teach me over the last few months... I know, I know, there seems to be a lot of these lesson lately huh? Maybe that's just my perspective, but dude, its pretty amazing and humbling all at the same time. 

I wrote about a Priesthood blessing I got before I went to camp, about a blessing I got in the Boston temple, but I left out the one I got from my brother Scott between those two while I was visiting he and the fam in St Louis. 

The first blessings words and phrases seriously FREAKED me out, I didn't emphasize that fact so much in the post Blessings in and of the Temple, but I felt I needed another comfort blessing to help me understand the first one. The second blessing, gotten in St. Louis, didn't help me to understand the first one per say, but it rephrased what had been said by not using so scary of words which helped me.  

I don't remember the exact verbiage from the first blessing, but The Lord, through His Priesthood emphasized I need to keep my eyes open and not turn my back while always being aware of my surroundings (I wrote about some of this already in the above mentioned post, but I needed to add it in this post too so it all made sense to me while I was writing ;). I didn't however write that He also said angels will be called down in their chariots of fire to protect me against the evils I'll be facing. 

Pretty intense to say the least and it was unlike any "comfort" blessing I had ever received or had ever even heard. I pondered a lot on what was said and concluded I needed another blessing to help me understand what it all meant. 

During the second blessing my brother used more gentle verbiage, but the exact same message came through. Same as during the temple blessing too, but more clarity on the subjects, on understanding, and how to cope with what will happen in my life was the light I received along with the comforting reminder that I can rely on Jesus Christ to overcome any trial because He loves each of us. 

With time perspective I truly think the first blessing was supposed to freak me out so I would actually heed the counsel I was given instead of thinking it was a gentle metaphor and not that big of a deal. I think it helped me to give it the focus I should and I really feel spiritually and physically my eyes have been open (most of the time ) since then, seeing the good and the bad. 

Over the last seven months I have seen more and gained more perspective about the world, society, my community, my family, and myself than I knew was possible in that short amount of time. Its been a we bit overwhelming and scary, but absolutely beautiful. Beautiful now that I can see more clearly why the lessons have had to come. 

Some days I feel I'm going crazy because satan is messing with me in regards to the imperfections of societies, individuals, and myself which weighs my spirit down. I was reminded tonight however that I have God and His angels on my side to fight against the adversary who help me find peace with who I am and where I am at this moment in my life.

God is good people.  

there is always hope for the broken

6" x 11 1/2" x 13 1/4"

I really like how this piece, a combo of two completely separate pieces, came out. I made the face two years ago in my first ceramics class at Pima. I wanted to sculpt a more realistic face and kinda went the route of making a masculine face that was aesthetically appealng to me. Haha. He's cute, it's ok, you can think so too. 

He was also Raku'd and supposed to have come out a copper color, but this is what came out instead. I was sad when he came out green at first, but Ive transitioned into absolutely loving the color. Then he fell. On two different occasions. Breaking into pieces the first time and cracking more the second. 

I still loved the piece so I displayed him with my other work at home, broken and looking somewhat incomplete. 

This last semester I made the white cloth-esque piece, originally for the veggie high heel actually. However, after glazing and painting each of those pieces, they didn't go together anymore. I still really liked the cloth so I put it with all my other sculptures holding out hope it would work with something someday. 

Then last weekend that day came. I was ridiculously sick and laid in bed all Saturday afternoon and evening. Fancy that, all my sculpture pieces are in complete view from my bed. I was looking at the green man and then BAM! Impression of combining him with the cloth piece came glowing in my mind. So, despite my complete exhaustion and nausea, I got out of bed and put them together to see if they'd work. AND THEY DID!!! Yay for inspiration from Heaven on that one :) 

I titled it "there is always hope for the broken" because my green man became complete when put together with the white flowing cloth. I really do like it, I hope you all do too. 

Wo, wo.

Seriously, over the last few months I have felt more picked on by the adversary (satan is real folks and he is a poo head) than I think I have been in my whole life combined. It's been hard, but thankfully I believe in the power of deliverance through Jesus Christ. He has been able to dispel the feelings that come through that adversity when I call upon Him for help; when I pray and study the scriptures is when I am calling for help. Ive realized as I'm writing this that I should be doing more sincere study of the scriptures while also studying from modern day prophets too. I'll try to be better about that. Lesson learned in this instant, thanks Heavenly Father. 

Ok, because of said adversity, I've been a little overwhelmed thinking if its this hard now, when I'm actually trying to be better, how much harder is it going to get later if I actually become better (big leap I know, but that's what I'm aiming for;)? I don't know how much I can handle.         

     

Once those thoughts started creeping in a quote from President Monson came to mind, it goes something like this, "don't pray to have your burdens lightened, but pray that your back will be able to bear the burdens placed there-on". My definition of burden has been changing these last few weeks because of a few themes I've run across. One being a story that I've heard in the last few days told by multiple different people at different times and goes like this:

        

     There were two men walking on a path who were able to see many cities in the distance. With their keen eyes they were able to discern satan and his angels overrunning some cities while leaving others relatively alone. One man said to the other, "those cities where satan and his angels are must be very wicked cities", the other man agreed and said those with few must be full of the righteous followers of Jesus Christ. 

     As the men continued on their path they can upon an old man, hunched over carrying a heavy load, who was surrounded by evil on every side. The men assumed he too must be an evil man to be surrounded by so much evil.           

     An angel of God then appeared on their path. They pointed out their observations of the wickedness and righteousness of the people to him. The angel taught them a great lesson by clarifying that it was not the wicked who satan and his angels try to overrun and destroy, but it is the righteous he is pursuing with all earnest to take down. 

Satan is a burden. 

Another story, I promise I'll connect everything ;). This was again a story told to me in the last few days by different people in different circumstances and got me thinking...

Side note: Im trying to really recognize that when The Lord puts repetition in our lives, especially freakishly close time frames of repetition, we should really perk up an take note, hence the reason I'm journaling about it here :) 

The story goes something like this:

     There was a man walking along the beach looking in the distance; he saw a boy repeatedly bending down and throwing something into the ocean as he was walking along. As the man neared the boy, he recognized what he was throwing back into the ocean. He saw thousands of washed up starfish on the beach that had come in with the tide. He recognized that they were all going to die unless they could be put back into to water. The man stopped and talked to the boy and asked if this task was just too much, because there were so many starfish, he wouldn't be able to help them all. The man emphasized all the beaches along that coast probably had thousands of starfish washed up on them too so it probably didn't matter that the boy was throwing only a few back from this beach. The boy replied as he threw another one back in the water, "it matters to that one".

Being overwhelmed is a burden I place on myself, I don't need to be overwhelmed because I have Jesus Christ. I know that I matter to Him. I know as long as I try and put my trust and my will in the hands of The Lord, I'll receive deliverence from the weight of my burdens; Burdens I may put on my own back by not being kind, by being selfish, or being prideful. Burdens that may stay on my back because I haven't forgiven someone or myself or I haven't truly repented of/for something. Those are the burdens that satans adds weight to too, but he will also throw in self doubt, and self pity, anything to tear us down. 

I was reading my patriarchal blessing last night and there is a phrase that gives me hope which I haven't fully appreciated until now. It says when adversity is affecting me, which it will, I need to pray for the strength to endure or for the power to overcome those adversities. I see how having strength to endure can ease the satan induced burdens while having the power to overcome can ease the self imposed ones. 

God sure does love me. He really does know me, especially how to teach me. I'm a parable loving kind of gal and those two repeated stories were what I needed to hear along with my patriarchal blessing and a quote from the prophet to learn the lesson of burdens He wanted to teach me. 

I really REALLY love Him. 

     

I'm that loud neighbor.

So... 

I highly dislike apartment living for many a reason, but most recently, since getting new downstairs neighbors, it's because of the thinness of our walls/floors/ceilings. 

A few months ago, after having the missionaries over for dinner there was a loud knocking on our floor from the new neighbors below. To say the least I was annoyed. So I went downstairs to see what the problem was. Passive aggressive and I don't get along that well and I've learned that communicating or trying to is always better than not trying to understand where someone is coming from. 

I told myself I was going to be nice and said a silent prayer to help me accomplish that. God truly answered that prayer because I stood at a half opened door while the woman neighbor sat on her couch, while her boyfriend held the door open for her, swearing at me and calling me an elephant. I profusouly apologized for making noise and asked them to see that our apartments are not top quality so noise should be expected sometimes and that I'm a big girl, noise should be expected. While I was talking though I did try to recognize that we could truly be at fault for being loud, and that it wasn't just the neighbors being rude. I had to keep reminding myself to be Christlike though and do what I think He would do. Be a disciple in word and deed. Its hard, but I tried to let them know we would try and be quieter and said sorry again. 

Once I got upstairs I realized that the main culprit for the noise making was our dining room chairs moving across the floor, and vowed to try and be quieter. I did recognize we were loud other ways too and have tried since then to be conscious of my neighbors and the noise we make. 

Then last month my niece and nephew were over for dinner and kept making noise on the floor that I was sure was going to perturb the neighbors. Sure enough within the hour that knock on the floor came again. I had told the kids to be quieter to no avail so when that knock came we, the kids and I, marched downstairs to apologize. The kids apologized to the teenage daughter who answered the door. Mom was in the kitchen listening. They accepted the apology and closed the door. 

One night later that week the neighbors music got really loud with a lot if bass and was loud enough to rattle my floor. I happily went to politely, I'm not being sarcastic I wanted to be nice, ask them to turn their music down a little. I knocked and knocked, waited patiently, and knocked one last time. The last knock had someone peek out the peep hole which is when I waved at them. Haha. They moved away from the peep hole and then moved back again. So I waived again and asked through the closed door if they would please turn their music down. They did after the last song. Thanks neighbors. 

Now onto tonight, which is a few weeks later, I was doing hair for my sisters friend and her two kids were here too. They made some loud noises so as soon as they left I was going to go down to apologize. Woooo, that was fun. As I was heading out the door loud music with a lot of bass starting playing. I thought great, this is going to go well. 

Anywho, the mom answered the door this time, no swearing, but she proceeded to tell me that every time we were loud her boyfriend was going to turn the music up louder. I apologized again and tried to see if there was anything we could do to help them not be as frustrated with out noise? Apparently nothing would help. I went back upstairs and prayed. 

I prayed that I would be forgiven that I hadn't tried to befriend the family and had allowed satan to mess with us. I apologized for making noise and asked that our neighbors hearts would soften and we could one day be friends. I prayed that we would be able to be quieter. 

We then endured the music and bass for an hour before I called to report them to our complex security guard. The music is off now and tomorrow I get to go and talk to the office about the problem and see if they would be willing to mediate a conversation between my neighbor and I if this happens again. 

Oh the joys of being a grown up. I am thankful I have the gospel in my life that is teaching me to be accountable for my actions and helping me to love even when I don't always want to. Pray for us. 

Maybe I'll try making them cookies, that would work for me ;) 

Sustainability Art Show Submissions

Impatience wins out on not wanting to wait for the pro pics of the three pieces. My OCD wins out at needing them all to match so I'm posting iPhone images enhanced via Instagram of all of them. Hehe. Once I get the pro pics all of the images will be swapped out for those ;) and the full fledge first UofA art show submission will be sent off. Yay! 1/12/14 Pro pics in and blog updated ;)

"Bee the change, it can make a difference"

Ceramic with glaze, glass, and wax. 

3 3/4" x 10 1/2" x 13 1/4"

"Processed"

Ceramic Raku'd

5 1/2" x 12 1/2" x 8 1/2"

"Looking into a future without change"

Ceramic with glaze. 

6"x 5 1/2"x 5 1/2"

"Fear the Soda"

Steel, wood, and stain. 

13 1/2" x 8" round

"There's no such thing as too many vegetables"

Ceramic with acrylic paint

3 1/2" x 7 1/2" x 3"

All images are copyrighted on this blog and cannot be used without permission.