I'm a work in progress, that's for sure. I'm thankful each day for the Atonement because I can be forgiven for the mistakes I make. I also know the Atonement can give me the strength to overcome the parts of myself I cannot change on my own which can help me to stop making the same mistakes. The mercy and love of Jesus Christ is a beautiful.
Today was a day I learned how pride plays a role in my life in a way I hadn't really imagined before. It's been quite humbling. Today's experience was not me actively pursuing sin, or blatantly challenging God, but it was me being unrighteous and sinful, that's for sure. Moments of pride can be small and those moments seems to be so subtle, or "not that big of a deal". Guys, disobedience is disobedience whether it's small or big and pride no matter what level it falls (on what I think we each sometimes see as The Scale of Sin) is still sin. That principle applying to pride I didn't fully appreciate before. In what seems like a small moment in my life I actively pursued my own will and not the Lord's.
Don't get me wrong, I quite often pursue my own will, but today was somehow different, I felt different, I felt horrible. Not a glossed over horrible that I can usually feel better with quickly, but the kind of horrible that requires humble repentance and forsaking. The kind of horrible that's dark and can encroach on any light I might be trying to feel. I haven't quite pinpointed why I felt/feel a little still like this, but I am leaning towards the principle of "sinning against light and knowledge" and how bad doing that really is.
You wanna know what I did, or didn't do actually? I'll write it down here in a sec. Let's hope posterity reads and learns from this and I remember this experience forever. The story is a simple uncomplicated one and goes like this:
Tomorrow is the Phoenix Temple dedication. The Tucson Stake Center is going to become an extension of the Temple during that time and because of that last week my ward was asked to come in this morning and do some extra cleaning to prepare the building for the occasion. Last week when it was announced I felt I should go, and truthfully wanted to help prepare the building. However, I've been on this kick with not wanting to get out of bed in the mornings (whole different post will probably come on this subject), so this morning when my alarm went off at 7am I wanted to sleep more. Granted I felt totally great and could have easily got up and started my day so I had no "need" to sleep more, I just wanted to. I felt impressed I should go to the chapel, I felt that I should get up and go help clean. I didn't. I chose to validate what I wanted to do and stayed in bed until 845. I however was awake most of the time pining over if I should just get up and go late to help. They started at 8 and should have been done by 9. I felt I should go even if I was going to be late. I didn't go.
My will be done? Yup. Did I make a horrible mistake? Yup. I don't know what the consequences to myself will be because of my prideful desire to do what I wanted to do instead of what the Lord would have me do, but I pray that no one else will be negatively affected because of it. That's why selfish desires are so horrible, we never know what our choices will do to other people. On the positive side when we do listen and try to be selfless I know blessings will come to everyone. I hope no one needed me this morning and I wasn't there for them. This horrible feeling associated with denying a prompting from the Holy Ghost, sinning against Gods' light does have potential for good. I know even if there are negative consequences from my choices today I will be a lot less likely to ever do this again. I sadly think I've said that before.
This is the moment when I go back to the first paragraph of my post and remind myself I am not perfect. I am not expected to be perfect because Jesus Christ is. He has the perfect ability to forgive us and help us to forsake what is bad for us. I know God loves me, I know my Savior loves me, and I know I am being continually guided by and comforted by the Holy Ghost because He loves me too. What an amazing day.
Side note: I'm super thankful the Lord knows my weaknesses and has let me know to be aware of my pride. My patriarchal blessing has been a huge source of comfort these last few months because the Lord has told me what to be aware when it comes to my own 'natural man'. I find comfort also in knowing He wants me to have joy in this life and the way to obtain that joy is through Christ.
Today was a day I learned how pride plays a role in my life in a way I hadn't really imagined before. It's been quite humbling. Today's experience was not me actively pursuing sin, or blatantly challenging God, but it was me being unrighteous and sinful, that's for sure. Moments of pride can be small and those moments seems to be so subtle, or "not that big of a deal". Guys, disobedience is disobedience whether it's small or big and pride no matter what level it falls (on what I think we each sometimes see as The Scale of Sin) is still sin. That principle applying to pride I didn't fully appreciate before. In what seems like a small moment in my life I actively pursued my own will and not the Lord's.
Don't get me wrong, I quite often pursue my own will, but today was somehow different, I felt different, I felt horrible. Not a glossed over horrible that I can usually feel better with quickly, but the kind of horrible that requires humble repentance and forsaking. The kind of horrible that's dark and can encroach on any light I might be trying to feel. I haven't quite pinpointed why I felt/feel a little still like this, but I am leaning towards the principle of "sinning against light and knowledge" and how bad doing that really is.
You wanna know what I did, or didn't do actually? I'll write it down here in a sec. Let's hope posterity reads and learns from this and I remember this experience forever. The story is a simple uncomplicated one and goes like this:
Tomorrow is the Phoenix Temple dedication. The Tucson Stake Center is going to become an extension of the Temple during that time and because of that last week my ward was asked to come in this morning and do some extra cleaning to prepare the building for the occasion. Last week when it was announced I felt I should go, and truthfully wanted to help prepare the building. However, I've been on this kick with not wanting to get out of bed in the mornings (whole different post will probably come on this subject), so this morning when my alarm went off at 7am I wanted to sleep more. Granted I felt totally great and could have easily got up and started my day so I had no "need" to sleep more, I just wanted to. I felt impressed I should go to the chapel, I felt that I should get up and go help clean. I didn't. I chose to validate what I wanted to do and stayed in bed until 845. I however was awake most of the time pining over if I should just get up and go late to help. They started at 8 and should have been done by 9. I felt I should go even if I was going to be late. I didn't go.
My will be done? Yup. Did I make a horrible mistake? Yup. I don't know what the consequences to myself will be because of my prideful desire to do what I wanted to do instead of what the Lord would have me do, but I pray that no one else will be negatively affected because of it. That's why selfish desires are so horrible, we never know what our choices will do to other people. On the positive side when we do listen and try to be selfless I know blessings will come to everyone. I hope no one needed me this morning and I wasn't there for them. This horrible feeling associated with denying a prompting from the Holy Ghost, sinning against Gods' light does have potential for good. I know even if there are negative consequences from my choices today I will be a lot less likely to ever do this again. I sadly think I've said that before.
This is the moment when I go back to the first paragraph of my post and remind myself I am not perfect. I am not expected to be perfect because Jesus Christ is. He has the perfect ability to forgive us and help us to forsake what is bad for us. I know God loves me, I know my Savior loves me, and I know I am being continually guided by and comforted by the Holy Ghost because He loves me too. What an amazing day.
Side note: I'm super thankful the Lord knows my weaknesses and has let me know to be aware of my pride. My patriarchal blessing has been a huge source of comfort these last few months because the Lord has told me what to be aware when it comes to my own 'natural man'. I find comfort also in knowing He wants me to have joy in this life and the way to obtain that joy is through Christ.